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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Thoughts
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
There’s only one good girl here!
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain