“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?