Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive