Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I have never related to a cat more
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke