Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.