One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
When news reporters do sports stories
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
🤭😂