Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
man: wait
time: no
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny