I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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Jesus Christ lmao
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness