Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
You Might Also Like
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?