I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
What about second breakfast?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.