*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
How dude HOW?!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”