it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.