[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.