if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Covid like
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me recordaron éste meme
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
dream blunt rotation
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down