Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?