(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Breaking news:
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.