One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Living the best life.. 😊
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI