I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911