King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay