I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
m’lady
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!