Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
You Might Also Like
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?