Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
not seeing the problem
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that