Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
pep talk
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Oh the world we live in…
never compromise your values
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago