The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.