Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!