Brands during Pride
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
PARKOUR
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books