DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
No chill.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.