The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.