‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
How to make infinite energy.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*