Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.