STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Crying is a sign of leakness.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.