*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Duck typos.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea