My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.