The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.