maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m already scared
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.