Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I like donuts.
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