i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.