Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
rise and shine we got egg
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”