Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
You Might Also Like
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.