me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s