Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers