[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album