Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.