PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
You Might Also Like
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
thanks auntie mary
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan