Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair