[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
when you are just born a rebel
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.