Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
is this how new cars are made??
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”