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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.