Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.