my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
You Might Also Like
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?